I once saw a friend's post on Livejournal about cosmetic vulva surgery. A boyfriend in LA inquired whether she she had cosmetic vulva surgery and that freaked her out. Apparently strangers inquiring about the status of surgery you have on your genitals is still pretty novel in the cis-world. As a trans person, I've become kind of apathetic about random inquiries on the medical history of what goes in my pants.
When I responded to her outrage with earnest surprise that someone finally brought up the etiquette of asking random strangers about their doodad surgery, she thought I was trolling, and wished to point out her concerns were about cis-gendered people and their completely not cursed-by-god genitalia which needs no medical intervention and subsequent inquiry from random hobos. She didn't seem to understand that I too wish the mobile aquarium to be removed from my private parts so that they may take on the exact quality of privateness that they sometimes lack.
I love ya'all cis people, but I really wish you would all stop being Question Guy. If you want to find out what my fiddly bits look like, just hang out with me long enough and you will probably see them during some kind of drinking-game version of a regular game. If you really want to know about my medical records, I will probably brandish them during the after hours of a roll party thinking it can ward off ghosts.
Was it a boyfriend or a stranger that asked her? I totally get the weirdness of a stranger you just met or even someone you're out for coffee with for the first time asking about your remember-when-they-were-private parts. I'm wondering if there's etiquette for 'when' to ask this question. I mean, being someone who doesn't really give a shit what's in someone's pants (unless it's a fire breathing dragon that will singe my fingers off if I touch it a certain way- that I believe becomes pertinent information at about the point I'm likely to touch it that certain way. I will insist on having my flame retardant gloves handy...erm...where was I? oh, right...) I find the subject usually comes up when the person I'm dating or feeling up is ready to bring it up. But I get that it's important for some people to know before they start the dating or feeling up process. I don't personally relate to why, but this is what many people tell me and I have come to believe them.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want someone asking me about my personal (read: not visible with my clothes on) piercings on a first getting-to-know-you coffee date. Okay, well I posted about them on FB a few times anyway, so I'm not the most private of persons myself, but it's hardly comparable, I know- my piercings and surgery status of 'your genitals'. And besides, my choosing to share that information as opposed to some random stranger asking me like they have a right to know is sorta the point, right?
oh, now I'm distracted by the fact that I used "right" twice in that last sentence. Caffeine shortage reparations underway. Has anyone done studies on the effects of caffeine on mild ADD?
While acknowledging the fact that you don't speak for all transsexuals, when would it be okay with *you* for someone to ask? Can I ask? Oh wait...nm. Distracted again....lordy, fire breathing dragons n all...
And can you help clarify what it is that makes the question of the surgery status of your goodies different from the question of the piercing status of mine? I know intuitively that there IS a difference, but I'm having trouble articulating it, even to myself. There's something about discrimination, homophobia and a bizarre "ripley's believe it or not' kind of prurience that makes it reek of yuk for me, this 'show me your genital business' thing that many people go right to when they meet a transsexual person.
I always love your writing style btw. Your words make me think, feel and laugh out loud, usually at the same time. It's a killer combo, even when I'm spewing coffee all over my keyboard.
Unless were dating, it's never ok for anyone to ask me whats in my pants. Yet they have and will. Being on a Transsexual panel and all. It has no bearing on helping them understand what Transsexualism is
ReplyDeletefor me, there's a fine balance in between the icky entitlement feeling that question guy inevitably has... and the feeling that answering the question with the right words can help someone understand things better
ReplyDeleteI've had a few times where I felt like dealing with the ick was worth it and I felt like someone at least learned how to be a a bit of a better gentlemen to all trans folk... even if they don't quite get it yet.
and I've had a few times where I thought it was just full of suck and I was wasting my time to try and answer at all
also... I think all bottom surgery should from this point out be called doodad surgery! its such an awesome term! :)
YES! DOODAD SURGERY FOR ALL!
ReplyDeleteTrans folk gentleman sounds like a quaint job title.
Sometimes I just start asking cis-people if they've had cyborg enhancements to their junk. I than describe my secret desire to have sex with someone without cyborg enhancements, with them on top. But only if they've got the tits and everything.
Callaughn: I probably have a greater than average desire to wax philosophically about my junk compared to just about anyone (Future blog post) so I wouldn't want to speak for anyone else. I think I would be okay discussing it with anyone as long as they were real about how its a weird question whether someone is a trans person or not.
ReplyDeleteIf someone came up to me and said "I'm going to be kind of fucked up and start asking probing questions about your private parts.", I'd probably be down in that they're aware that its a strange social situation.